overwhelmed – Mama Knows Mess

My Quiet Place

Published on June 20, 2019June 20, 2019 by mamaknowsmessLeave a comment

There’s a place aloft the Colorado National Monument that may as well have a spot carved out, about the width of my jeans…..labeled, “Lakin was here.” In those early days as a single mother, when all that mattered was off on a visit to her dad’s- this is where I landed.

In an attempt to quiet my aching heart, the journey would start with 20 minutes on the road- windows down, taking in that easy air. The lightweight, slightly cool, Colorado air (can you tell my newly asthmatic lungs drool at the memory). Swirling its way ever so gently in and out of my freshly cut locks. I always cut my hair when Im feeling unsure.

Enter the gate, park that car and don’t plan on getting back in for at least 3 hours. Sure, it was risky going for a hike alone, but something about that sunshine on my skin made God’s embrace tangible. Like, here honey, sit here and take in my creation – I’ll guard the gate.

Colorado is much different than the North Carolina terrain I enjoy as I pen these words. The sky is open, trees more sparse and rocks ore magnificent. Please don’t hear me say that North Carolina isn’t equally beautiful, with it’s enormous trees, smoky blue hills (I’m from the Rockies, these are hills) and incredible history. There’s just something about home, and home is where I was.

Looking over the entire city with a bird’s eye view, surrounded by the red rocks and silence. Funny how the caw of an eagle – the crash of water against the rocks can be labeled as silence amid the city hustle. Those waves are working hard to smooth the edges over time, as God is with my heart. The sudden crash causes a harsh edge, but the streams continue flowing faithfully time after time.

A Panic Attack or Two.

Published on December 12, 2016December 12, 2016 by mamaknowsmess1 Comment

I have to admit something to you. I didn’t know I suffered from anxiety until just a year ago. And now that I know I do, I look back and I realize I really had my first symptoms of anxiety in 6th grade. It has manifested itself in many different ways over the years but now it doesn’t have to be a mystery anymore.

I went my whole life thinking maybe I had some mystery illness that the doctors couldn’t diagnose because it was so rare. I went through hundreds of frustrating doctors appointments and ER visits, tests and medications; only to go home with nothing. The doctors told me I was completely healthy! How could that be?

In middle school I would go 3 weeks without going to the bathroom. Because of that I didn’t have energy or an interest in playing. I couldn’t eat and I was pale as a ghost. I lost a lot of weight during this time.
Freshman year of college I would literally fall asleep driving just 20 minutes across town. I would have heart palpitations, dizziness and feelings that I was losing control. From the time I left high school to now, my weight has fluctuated 100 lbs up or down, weighing anywhere from 147 to 247.
In 2011, I would pass out at work and get so disoriented I would be putting staplers in people’s bags as I would check them out at the register.
During my pregnancy with our last kiddo (Carson), I would go into an empty room, lay down on the floor and just cry. I would go to town to run an errand and not return for 6 hours. I didn’t want kids or a husband anymore. I would stand at the stove and forget how to cook, then suddenly feel panic.
Just 4 months ago, I found myself on the side of the highway -splitting headache, so shaky I didn’t have the strength to drive. I found myself calling my husband asking if I should call an ambulance. I called my parents and could barely form complete sentences. I had pain in my jaw and arm along with chest pain and palpitations. I felt like I was having a heart attack.

I find each of these episodes to be directly related to a severe stress in my life.

In middle school, my parents divorced.
Freshman year of college, I broke up with my abusive (emotionally and physically) boyfriend.
In 2011, I had just given birth to my first daughter outside of marriage. Her paternal grandparents insisted I have an abortion or give her up for adoption and wanted nothing to do with us in the first months of her life. Then I broke up with her dad after 7 times of being cheated on.
During my pregnancy with our son, my husband was working out of state for 28 days at a time only to return home for 5 days before leaving again. I also, had some health complications (including a hole in my uterus big enough to deliver out of with no incision necessary!) all while seeing a doctor who refused me ultrasounds and did not believe me.
And finally, 4 months ago…..although I believe it to be a very positive move, we moved our family of 5 across the country from Colorado to North Carolina. Selling our house, considering bankruptcy, packing and driving for three days, all within just 2 short months. We now live 28 hours away from everything we knew and all of our family.

I am NOT writing about this so I can find a group who will attend my pity party. I wanted to write this because I KNOW there are people out there who suffer from anxiety, whether they know it or not. It is a very scary feeling. Once you do identify the source – anxiety – you have a choice to either take medication that will numb you or continue to suffer. I have chosen not to take medication this time, although I have in the past. I wanted to try natural ways like exercise, eating healthy, carving out quiet time and surrounding myself with people who mean something to me. It works. But it doesn’t work 100% of the time. I still have my days. I get sad, depressed, and confused. I overthink and doubt myself.

I think the thing that I’m learning though, is that God gave us emotions for a reason. Even Jesus cried. Don’t get down on yourself for feeling. Don’t envy people who seem to have more self control than you do. Can I tell you that I used to be the girl who never made a production out of her emotions. I never used to tell anyone how I was feeling and you could count on me to be even tempered through any situation. You know what that got me? Panic attacks.

Please, reach out to someone for a coffee date to chat. See a doctor. Cry when you need to cry. Scream when you need to scream. Most of all, please make time for yourself to do the things you were created to do.

*If you are a reader, I started and finished this book within a week during the deep parts of my anxiety. It isn’t even about anxiety specifically, but Shauna touches on a subject that effects all of us at one point or another. Present Over Perfect is a reflection of Shauna Niequist’s experience with making herself physically ill trying to do too much and how she overcame that feeling by saying no. I highly recommend this read if you are feeling even a little overwhelmed.

Daily Prompt: Vigor

Published on November 28, 2016November 28, 2016 by mamaknowsmessLeave a comment

I’m especially feeling it today. The Monday after Thanksgiving break. Although, I enjoyed time with my family and eating entirely too much – I fell out of routine. For us busy moms, routine is crucial! How else can we get 12,563 things done in 12 hours with only 2 hands?

Not only do I feel out of routine, I feel overwhelmed and guilty! I feel guilty for not getting things done, for not being prepared for this week, and for not spending my extra time wisely. I feel overwhelmed with the fact that I now have to squeeze two weeks worth of work into one. The kids are tired from traveling and I’m just mentally tired in general.

Now that we have all soaked in our pity and found other mothers who understand, what do we do about it? How do we dig ourselves out of this quiscksand feeling of procrastination and overwhelming to do lists?

Four things we MUST do to get our heads above water:

We must climb out from underneath our need to have someone or everyone sit with us in our own pity. We are moms and this world is full of moms. Knowing that, we can be confident in knowing that SOMEONE understands what we are going through! If you still need to satisfy that need, then hop on the Mama Knows Mess blog and read away! 🙂 This is a place FULL of imperfection and messiness!
We must attack this a little at a time. Everything can not and will not be done in a day. If your house has to stay a disaster for a day (or week) so that you can focus on completing your budget, stocking your fridge, running errands, catching up on projects or making those phone calls, then so be it! If you have to do one load less of laundry in order to sit in silence with your coffee while the kids nap. DO IT. We are only one woman, despite what society wants us to believe.
We must track and celebrate our success! And by success I mean remembering to thaw the meat in time for dinner. Write down 3 things you want to accomplish today and be specific. Clean the house is not specific. Run errands is not specific. Clean the kids bathroom or mail a bill is specific. Put them in an order that works for you. If it works better to plan to make a call during naptime while its quiet and then mail a letter while you are already in town picking up kids then do that. If your schedule isn’t too limiting and you can put the ones that take the least amount of time first down to the more time consuming ones, then do that. No matter how you organize your list, refer back to it multiple times throughout the day. Here’s where I find that changing my thought process really counts. If I don’t get those 3 things done, I write down everything I DID get done and cross it off as if it were part of my original plan! I need to know that I was productive. If at the end of the day your list is full of crossed off things that read: got out of bed, drank coffee, watched a sappy movie and cried my eyes out, that’s OK! You WERE productive, because clearly you needed a mental break. Now you got the tears out, you relaxed a bit and you can tackle tomorrow with more mental clarity! The only thing I urge you not to do is have several days of this. This takes you to a dangerous place of added negative emotions including guilt. Even more guilt than you already felt.
Vigor. Tackle life with vigor! The more chunks you bite off, the more you will realize you are making progress and it’s starting to FEEL GOOD! Because you wake up earlier and take a walk, you start to see pounds falling off. Because you ask your husband for an hour away to be by yourself, you are starting to see mental weight falling off! Not only can you make yourself create lists and accomplish things, but you are now finding you ENJOY it!

via Daily Prompt: Vigor