Dear best friend of mine,
Let me start by having you watch this music video of Miranda Lambert’s new song Vice.
That’s where I was. Sitting right in the middle of my misery and all of the unhealthy ways to deal with it. Single mother of a beautiful baby girl; tender age of 1. 50/50 custody, week on week off. I got to see my baby for a week and then had to sit in my apartment alone while she was away. I was terrified to sit there in my own thoughts and motherly instincts.
What did I do instead? Well, I think it is pretty obvious. Alcohol and hangovers, places I shouldn’t have woken up at……moments in time I have no memory of. This is where I went when I couldn’t bear the thought of not rocking my baby to sleep, not kissing her soft cheeks, not dressing her up in frilly tutus and taking pictures of her at the park.
A week was over and I was back to being mom. A good mom. I loved that little girl and she was my main motivator in life. The reason I made a thousand hard choices that were good for us. The reason I moved us 2 states away so we no longer had to live in a run down trailer with no air conditioning in the heat of the Nebraska summer.
I finally found a job and daycare and was able to get out on our own after living with my dad. Freedom felt good, for about a week. Then it was loneliness. A place no one around me could relate to. I felt heavy judgement from others and tremendous guilt for my actions. The guilt and loneliness turned me into someone I didn’t recognize.
Urbandictionary.com defines a Diamond in the rough as:Someone (or something) that has hidden exceptional characteristics and/or future potential, but currently lacks the final touches that would make them (or it) truly stand out from the crowd. (Urban Dictionary)
The phrase is metaphorical and relates to the fact that naturally occurring diamonds are quite ordinary at first glance, and that their true beauty as jewels is only realized through the cutting and polishing process.
During this time, I was fortunate enough to find friends from work who may not have been able to relate to my motherly issues, but who were broken too. Who weren’t afraid to talk about being broken and be broken with me. One stuck out to me, though.
You. You spoke life to me, maybe without realizing it. You told me that I was a good mother, that I was a good person and that I had potential. You even earned me an interview at work for a promotion. You certainly believed in me more than I did myself. You chose to see past my habits at the time and see the person who was underneath all of that. You gave me something to live up to. I didn’t want to let you down. You were such a comfort to me. Even though you had many hurts of your own, you chose to put your focus on raising me up and pouring life into me.
We are still friends and now we both have children. I have to say, you are the most wonderful mother a kid could ever ask for and it’s no wonder why. You pour life into people and if you are pouring into your kids like you poured into me, you are changing the world!
Loving and believing in people is what God has called us to do. Let’s be honest, we are all just good people who got hurt and turned into ugly people. There are definitely seasons of this. Either we are the people getting broken or the ones helping the broken. Both of these phases involve healing. We are always healing because this life will never stop fighting against us. We are constantly surrounded by temptations, addictions, hurt, sickness and a long list of others. Who are we to say that our hurt is bigger than someone else’s?
What we don’t know about someone is exactly what we would have to know to understand.
I will never forget how you changed my life and continue to do so.
Love, Lakin ❤
Mama Knows Mess 